Christmas Time In Great Britain
by death-in-the-orchard
Summary: Alucard is bored and tells this to his master, Abraham Van Hellsing. What will have to happen for the demon to be satisfied? And what is Hellsing going to give his slave for Christmas? What will Alucard give him in return? Fun violence. No blood.


"I'm bored."

Abraham looked up from his chair in the library to gaze at his undead slave. Alucard's cheek was indented by the fist that was propped up on the arm of the chair he was slouching in. Blue eyes blinked at the statement. "Am I supposed to be concerned, Slave?"

The vampire's nonchalant expression lifted with a smirk and a snort of humor. "Oh, sometimes Master. That all depends on how you interpret it. Is it concern for those I might kill in order to alleviate my boredom, or are you referring to myself?"

Abraham was unaffected by his slave's words. Alucard wasn't allowed, or able, to kill humans anymore. As Hellsing failed to show an angered response, the nosferatu's humor slipped away and his face became a dreary picture, a person suffering from a severe case of monotony. Strong gloved hands held onto the book in Abraham's lap as his fingers smoothed out an old crease in one of the pages. "Why are you bored, Slave?"

Alucard sighed and his unfocused eyes roamed the expansive shelves of books he had already read through, wall to wall, more than once. "There's no war, no famine, no plague…it's all so dull. There's nothing exciting in Britain, Master. You've condemned me to this hateful, tiny island of factories and tea."

Abraham lifted his cup of tea that was balanced on a plate sitting on his armrest. He took a sip to hide a small smile, and then set the tea down and settled back comfortably to read his book. "I rather like tea and cheap luxuries."

"Well I hate tea." The vampire countered with a grumble, moving his mouth to his fist so he could scowl without the man chastising him. The red eyes blinked, focusing to see the intricate details on the bindings of one of the books. War and Peace. "Master…" Abraham didn't look up as he sipped at his tea and let his eyes run across a sentence. "…let's start a war."

Hellsing coughed, choking on his tea and spilling a few fat drops on his book so that the ink print began to bleed and smear. With a hoarse curse, the man moved his tea to the floor and used his shirt to dab at the page, coughing one last time. An icy blue glare shot out at Alucard who received it with his eyes turned to his master. "What is this about a war? I will never begin such a thing, Slave." He hissed, glancing down at the bluish-black stain left on his white shirt.

"No." The hand left the nosferatu's face and he waved it towards the human, showing his sincerity for the proposition. "A war without guns or swords, a war without death or blood… I'm referring to a war pitting myself against the Hellsing troops, each side armed with only the snow from the grounds. They may build forts while I construct an ice castle, and we can all pretend that we are back in the good old times in Transylvania. How about it, Master? I want a war for Christmas."

Abraham stared at Alucard for a good long while, dumbfounded as he searched the crimson orbs to find something that would reassure him that this was all a joke. But they did not consol the man. Instead, they showed him how serious Alucard was about having his snow war. The blue eyes narrowed, observing the pale face. "You want a war for Christmas?"

"Yes. I'd like one very much." The vampire's lips moved up to form a pleasant smile, and his eyes sparked as he envisioned the glorious battle. The only thing he would like better would have been permission to kill the soldiers and dye the snow red with their blood. He liked red snow on Christmas morning, like a child enjoys regular snow on the gift-giving holiday. A war with Santa Claus also sounded promising. A man who could travel at such high speeds, carrying such a heavy load, would be a promising enemy to combat with. If only he were real. The vampire sighed, dejectedly, feeling no hope for getting his Christmas snow war.

Abraham was still watching his slave at this point, and he saw the sigh. The man got up slowly, looking down at his shirt for a moment, and then left the library to go change. He encountered a group of his men and inquired if they would enjoy fighting Alucard, both sides restricted to using powdered snow. The hunters loved the idea, and some of the more zealous ones went to spread the word that they should begin making their forts and accumulating a store of snowballs. Abraham watched them from a window in one of the hallways that led to the library, with an incredulous, awkward grin manipulating his mouth. "I suppose the beast will get his war." He took a deep breath that he sighed out with a chuckle and entered the library to give his slave the good news. Hellsing had rarely seen Alucard so happy as he was when he was told, and when he went to the window and saw the troops out in the yard. The vampire let out a laugh like a mischievous boy, and fazed through the window to jump to the ground.

Alucard cleared out all of the snow from the neighboring forest and built up a mountain of snow in the yard that drew astounded house servants to the windows. Then he sculpted it, like it was a mound of clay, and molded the snow into a small, thick tower with a great wall fortifying it. Abraham stood before it with his men collected behind him, laughing at the castle as the men gawked and looked back at their little forts doubtfully, ashamed of them.

Abraham laughed as his slave's head peered over the wall of snow. Then the man beamed, excitement sparking in his eyes and making his face appear to be much younger than it was. "I think I'm going to join in this war, Slave."

Alucard grinned wolfishly, and chuckled. "Ah, but then I will have no choice but to defeat you, my Master. You and your human following do not stand a chance against me and my castle walls."

Abraham snickered darkly and thrust a thumb back at the massive mansion behind him, making Alucard lose some of his confidence. "Oh, but I have a much better castle. One that doesn't melt, Slave."

After a moment, Alucard, still staring at the mansion, climbed onto the wall and continued to look at the solid mansion. He looked over his shoulder at his tower, then up at the mansion, and then down at his master, frowning. "But that's not fair. You're cheating."

Hellsing laughed openly at his vampire's words, and clapped his hands merrily. "There are no rules in war fair, Alucard! Except in this one, there cannot be killing, bloodshed, or weapons that are not made out of softly packed snow. You have made a castle. Good for you. I shall use my house, since it is at hand and your castle has been made within throwing distance of the windows."

Alucard gave him an empty look that lasted only a few seconds until his resolve returned and he cackled at the challenge. "Alright, Master Hellsing! Let us wage war!" He leaped off his wall and into his tower, his voice going out to the men after he had landed. "But first I will need to make some more snowballs!"

The humans laughed, and some men went inside to tell the servants that they had been invited to join in the snowball fight of the century. Maids and male servants carried up bins full of snowballs and set them up by the third story windows, while a few surefooted hunters set up bases on the roof. Soon, they were set for war.

Alucard, atop his stout tower, had surrounded himself with snowballs, and now held one cocked in his hand, he aimed it while men from below noticed that he was about to initiate the conflict by making the first move, yelling out a warning. But they were too late. The cocked snowball flew straight at Abraham Van Hellsing's heart, and forced a sudden gasp of surprise out of the man. With a vengeful fury, those of the Hellsing estate took up arms, I mean, snowballs and threw them in one massive wave, towards the miniature castle. Alucard was frozen, caught off guard by the sudden onslaught, but he regained composure and threw a few snowballs before the wave crashed down on his castle and he had to dive into a window to take cover as the balls of snow pelted the top of his tower. Chunks of his castle fell apart, as the red eyes snarled inside the vibrating walls. His attacks, when compared to the estate's combined strength, was so pathetic that even the servants inside had the nerve to laugh at the No-Life-King. Abraham's deep chortle rang out over the rest, bringing a rumbling up into the beast's chest.

Alucard swung out of his tower and up onto its roof, two snowballs in his hands. The humans took up their own snowballs, smirking confidently. But they immediately lost the look along with the feeling when a section of the back wall of the castle came flying at the men on the ground while Alucard pelted the maids and servants in the windows with his snowballs, his accuracy frightening some of the servants into draping white towels of surrender outside their windows. To the demon's satisfaction, he had been able to level a few of his enemy's forts with his attack and he was able to laugh at the cowards that fled from the windows. "Fools!" He cackled, raising up two more snowballs in his fists. "You think you can defeat me?"

"Fire!" Abraham yelled and his men gave out their battle cries as they flung their snowballs in a second volley, responding to the vampire's second attack. Alucard hissed and retreated back into his castle. To his dismay, and the human's hilarity, part of the castle caved in, burying him under feet of powder and compacted snow. "Victory!" Hellsing cried and his men yelled as well, celebrating. "We have victory!"

"You are wrong, Master Hellsing!" Alucard shot out of his ruined castle and stood upon the remnants of his wall. He threw two snowballs and two sections of his wall also flew at the unguarded humans that shouted out their shock. "This war will not come to such an easy end! I shall conquer you all, and then take down my Master, single handedly!" Men went tumbling when the walls struck them, or flattened on top of a few. None were hurt, so all was well.

Abraham growled now and ordered for the next round of snowballs to be thrown, but his men on the roof let out yells that told him that his slave had got them. The human's faces were white and pink, with bright red noses, Hellsing noticed. They were getting cold and tired. _He_ was getting cold and tired, while Alucard seemed like he could last for all eternity. Hellsing snarled and went to his men to tell them to aim for the wall under the vampire's feet. They did so, with all of the remaining forces focusing their firepower on the wall. It eventually came tumbling down, burying Alucard beneath it. The men gave a chorus of shouts and song, while the demon laughed and shot out of the snow again, ready for more. But the men were done. They had won, they said, as they marched back inside to gulp down gallons of cider and hot chocolate or even some rum and beer, whatever struck their fancy.

The dejected vampire stood on his ruined castle, gazing after them as they filed away through the doors, leaving him outside in the cold, not that he could actually tell how cold it was. But Abraham remained and walked up to the mountain of snow with a happy grin on his face. He chuckled at his slave, his hands in his pockets as he saw the two snowballs fall from Alucard's hands as he dropped them. "Put the snow away and come inside, Slave. I gave you your war. I never consented to giving you victory as well."

Alucard nodded with a hidden smile and began to collect the snow. Abraham continued to laugh softly until a shadow covered his face. The blue eyes widened in horror as the mountain was lifted and then thrown upon him as he tried to get out of the way. With a loud yell, Abraham was buried alive while Alucard cackled manically in the background. "I will have prevailed, Master! I win!"

To his delight, the seal soon notified Alucard to tell him that his master was stuck, so the laughing demon was able to thoroughly enjoy slowly digging the man out again.

"Happy Christmas, Master."


End file.
